Don't Be a WENI

Part of the Journey of Toxic free living...on the relational side of things


A few years ago, before dear Hubby and I were married, we sort of went to per-marital counseling.  By sort of, I mean that he was here in Alberta, and I was in Ontario. We read the same book at the same time, talked about it, and then I went and talked to the lady who was helping to conduct said counseling.  At one point, Hubs and I actually were able to attend together.  ...Let's just say it wasn't an ideal situation, but the second book that our truly wonderful counselor gave us was amazing. It had a chapter to preface the whole book on communication.  I think we reread the preface about once a year. It talks about listening and repeating back and things like that, and it really does help.

BUT!  Since our counseling sessions were less than ideal, we asked a trusted couple to help us out post wedding ceremony. We met a few times and talked about how things were going. It was fun and super helpful.  The one thing I distinctly remember, though, was their talk about not being a WENI.

Let me explain.  It's an acronym to help you remember what NOT to do during conflict.

W-withdraw
E-escalate
N- negative spin
I- invalidate

So, what exactly do those mean? Some are pretty self-explanatory, but here we go!

Withdrawing is emotionally or physically running away from the conflict. Some people may shut down and just go silent, while others may walk away and cry. Either way, this does not help the conflict. It perpetuates negative feelings.

Escalating is just throwing more fuel on the fire. You did this. Yeah well, you did THIS. YOU did THIS...etc. You get the picture, it's really not helpful, now, is it?

Negative spin was the one I had a hard time getting my head around.  Basically it means that you take whatever the person is saying and take it the wrong way.  For example : "You look wonderful today" could be taken to mean that I look bad any other day.  See how it could get really ugly really quick?  Yeah - not good.

And! Finally invalidation is saying that the point of the person you are having a conflict with either doesn't matter or is just plain wrong.  Again, not conducive to a very loving relationship.

SO! If you avoid these things, conflicts can diminish or even disappear altogether!  But, if you just avoid, I'm sure you'll find other things to fill in the gap left by lack of WENI.

Instead of withdrawing, choose to engage. Instead of escalating, choose diffuse. Instead of negative spin, choose to hear what is actually intended. Instead of invalidating, choose to give value to the other person.  It's not a fun acronym like WENI, but the main thing to remember is to CHOOSE to be different.

Choosing to be different today,
XO,
Bliss